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The Victim Complex

I have been noticing patterns in my own behaviour lately and I am not proud of them. My biggest issue is what I’d like to call the victim complex. Among others, the Oxford Dictionary defines a complex as „a related group of repressed or partly repressed emotionally significant ideas which cause psychic conflict leading to abnormal mental states or behaviour“.

For me personally this means that I create conflicts internally and externally by putting myself into the position of a victim subconsciously. By this, I am in no way trying to undermine people’s feeling of powerlessness and mental struggles. I am only trying to explore my own behaviour to try and improve personally. I’m trying to be honest with myself even if it’s difficult.

Growing up, I suffered from some benign illnesses that positioned me as the vulnerable and fragile child in my parents’ minds. I would get ill and because of my clumsiness, got small injuries often. I was a bit careless, quieter than my siblings and lived in my own world. I loved to escape by reading for hours on end. Getting lost in someone else’s story was always fascinating to me.

I was never very social when I was younger, my social anxiety would get the best of me and make it difficult for me to approach and talk to people I didn’t know. This meant that I never quite felt like I fit in at school because I was labelled as nerdy and shy. It made me view myself as weak. So, I avoided problems instead of confronting them. I chose the comfort of ignorance whenever I could as I didn’t know how to handle these situations.

However, as I had a strong support system and a caring family, I would be rescued and protected. I subconsciously came to expect this from my environment. I believed that there was always a way to get what I wanted. Even though I never asked for help I knew there would be help if I needed it. Thus, putting myself in the victim position always got me ahead in life so I internalised these patterns for difficult situations.

This complex of mine does not only affect me, it has impacted meaningful relationships. It made me selfish and self-centred, I focused on what was lacking in my own life too much and disregarded other peoples’ needs because I saw myself as the victim in fights and conflicts.

At some point, there comes a time to take responsibility though and these conflicts have forced me to do that. I can’t hide behind this mask of weakness and expect everything around me fall into place. It is not good to be seen as a victim so I should not put myself into this position.

I hope that these realisations can help me in the future. I think that recognising and becoming aware of destructive thought patterns and weak points is an essential part of actively fighting them.

I will choose to be uncomfortable and to face my own problems more often from now on to push myself out of my comfort zone.

Love, Sevda

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1 Comment

  • Reply Jake Zywiol April 22, 2019 at 9:58 am

    There comes a time in life where you will have two roads to choose, one can be just as perplexed as Robert Frost’s ‘The Road Not Taken’ and other full of common regularities and filled with your current, and rather familiar life routines. It’s for you to decide whether you are going to really become ‘uncomfortable and to face [your] own problems’ which can ultimately change you forever on the path of self-development; alternative choice is to travel the common path of continuous self-destruction.

    Although it may seem to you as you try to save close ones from being hurt by your presence, you should acknowledge your relationship, one who has been riding the tide alongside you for mere over 2 years and would continue forever, as we all have our faults that we tolerate in one another, the victim complex isn’t part of your identity but rather a roadblock thrown at you which you have a chance to overcome with the support of loved ones, ultimately becoming your own hero.

    I chose to ride this ‘tide’ with you.

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